A Look Back

So I've decided to include my first few journal entries into this blog in order to make them interchangeable.  Goodbye to my book-bound journal and hello to my cyber journal.  Here is my first entry.

January 9th, 2010


Welcome 2010!  I have big hopes for you this year, and I'm praying that you don't disappoint.


Let's start off with a look at 2009.  Overall it was a great year and I have a lot to be thankful for, but there are 2 main things that disappointed me.  I was disappointed with myself for one of the things, and disappointed with my circumstances for the other.  I'll start off with venting about these things; get the bad out of the way, and then I'll move on to things that I am grateful that 2009 brought me, and things that I am hopeful for in 2010.


So, the first of the big disappointments in 2009 was one that I brought on myself: my lack of exercise.  Running mostly, but also all of the other physical fitness things that make me feel good about myself.  Now, I'm not saying that I feel bad about myself in general, but I have been feeling kind of blah lately, and I know that my lack of exercise is one of the reasons why.  I have completely, 100% fallen off of the exercise wagon, and I've been off of it for so long that the wagon is completely out of sight.  I mean, it has been months since I've "worked out" and sadly, that's not even a new thing for me.  I know how much better I feel when I work out, so I don't know why I can't don't just get out there and do it!  As noted above, it's not that I can't, it's just that I don't.  And for that I am very disappointed in myself.  I vow to be better to myself in 2010 and thanks to my current favorite blogger chicrunner , I think I know how.


Onto my second big disappointment in 2009.  This one is due to circumstances beyond my control, but I am so disappointed that I'm not pregnant by now.  There, I've said it.  This is a hard one, because it is something that consumes my thoughts so much of the time, but it is also something that I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about.  That was one of my reasons for buying this journal (or starting this blog), so this topic may be appearing in here a lot.


A couple's decision to get pregnant, and when, is a very personal thing; something you don't go broadcasting for this very reason.  You might have problems, and in my opinion, we are having problems.  We've been trying to get pregnant since June, complete with ovulation kits and fertility tests, with no success.  It's so disheartening that I can't even describe it.  The tests indicate that there shouldn't be any problem, yet here I am...still no baby in this belly.  Each month when I get my period I feel like crying.  In August I thought for sure that I was pregnant.  I felt a little nauseous on a few mornings, and my period was 2 weeks late.  2 weeks! (and I'm usually fairly regular).  I think I took a pregnancy test 3 different times in those 2 weeks, and each one looked just the opposite of how I wanted it to look.  Whether it was one pink line, the word "no", or a (-) symbol, they all meant the same thing.  I was not pregnant, and I so desperately wished that I was. 


I've taken a few more of those tests in the past few months and it's been more of the same.  As each month passes by with the start of my period yet again, I feel less and less hopeful and more and more fearful.  What if it's not in the cards for us?  I've gone through life thinking that whenever my husband and I decided that we wanted a baby, 9 months later we'd have one.  If that was the case I'd be about to pop.  Instead, my body only consists of me, myself, and I.  No little one growing inside of me...yet. 


It's not that I've lost hope completely, but I am disappointed, and it's something that I think about almost every. single. day.  And that has been hard on me.  Especially when I feel like I have no one to share these frustrations with.  And don't get me wrong, I talk to Mike about it, but I just end up thinking that talking to him really doesn't help our cause at all.  I mean, I think I'm already stressed out enough for the both of us, and stressing him out even more won't help our chances of getting pregnant.  It's just sad because, being comepletely honest, it's taken away from our sex life.  Not the amount of sex, oh no, don't worry, we have that calculated to a T; but the spontaneity and simple joy of being as close as humanly possible to the person you love most in the world.  Our sex life has become so calculated, and at times, so forced.  And then I find myself getting upset...and then hating myself for it.  You always picture the conception of a baby as this perfect, magical time; not a time where it doesn't matter if you have to run out the door in 5 minutes, you have to do it and do it now, because now's "the time".  Really kinda takes the fun out of it.
 
I also find myself getting jealous whenever I hear that someone else is pregnant.  Could be anyone from a close friend, to an aquaintance at work, to a girl on a blog that I follow.  Instead of an immediate feeling of excitement for these people in this joyful time in their lives, I feel jealousy and resentment towards them...and once again, I hate myself for feeling that way.  I keep thinking "Why them and not us?"   Why, why, why?  It's not fair; we want it so badly and I really do think we'd make great parents.  We're taking a few months off from "trying", because on the off chance that I'd get pregnant now I'd be due right around my sis and J's wedding, and I'm not about to miss my only sister's wedding.


I think you can tell which of my big 2009 problems bothered me more based on the sheer number of paragraphs it took me to vent about this one compared to the whopping one paragraph about exercise.  But I think this pregnancy break that Mike and I are taking will be good for us.  We can refocus on just being with each other and being happy with that.  After all, we have a great life, a great marraige, and a great family already.  Me, Mike, and Daisy dog.  I really do love my life, and I pray for more joys in 2010.

So that was my very first journal entry.  Depressing, I know.  And obscenely long.  Sorry about that too.  But it's real, and I just had to vent about the feelings that I've been keeping pent up lately.  In general, I am a very happy person, and I promise the upcoming posts (journal entries) are written on a more upbeat note.  See you then!